Hey God, you up? I need something

When I sit down to write, the first draft is always pen and paper. About a tenth of the time, I will type it out on here to share with you all. Sometimes I write about God but I feel reluctant to bring Him into my dark little blog. You might be thinking, jeez you have no problem pouring your sappy broken heart all over the internet but you can’t write about your faith? To me, sharing my heart with you is easy. I find relief in writing clearly about what hurts and expanding on those feelings in multiple ways to connect with whoever is reading. And even if I write something that doesn’t connect with you, no one can say, “You’re wrong. You felt that wrong.” Religion on the other hand, or I guess faith, lends itself to be criticized. I’m not the model Christian that Christian readers deserve. So, in short, that’s why I haven’t published religious material up until now.

God and I have been pushing and pulling each other and for a long time. My end of our relationship has been very transactional. Hey God, you up? I need something.

I’ve wasted a lot of time trying to “figure out” life. I’ve looked at people who seem to have everything and wonder what they know that I don’t. I’ve tried to make sense of it all. I’ve laid awake in my own bed desperately wishing it felt like home and asking God, why are you doing this to me? I would go to church and feel nothing. One time I was in a pew by myself and the band started playing a contemporary cover of ‘How Great Thou Art’ and I was instantly transported back in time to my grandma’s hospital room where I played that song on my iPhone while she passed away. Next to me in the pew, there was a woman who put her hand on my shoulder as I vacantly sobbed and she audibly prayed for me. I listened to the words she was saying but they rolled right off of me as if I was wearing a God-resistant jacket. Everything felt like it was happening to me and the God that I worship was standing above me watching me drown, saying “learn how to swim, my child.” This led to years of backpedaling. I preached His words and I believed that other people were having positive experiences with their faith but with each new ache, a deep frustration grew from the places where I couldn’t connect with church. With each new ache, I looked elsewhere for something to make me feel better.

To say that I’ve had a strained relationship with God would be an understatement but I never allowed myself to stop believing in Him. One day, and I am not sure when, I stopped expecting Him to fix everything while I sat in the pew and cried. I decided that there is no to-do list in my life waiting to be checked off before I can be happy. There is no sense to be made, just life to be lived. Once I let go of my idea of the perfect life, I stopped resenting God for letting me go through my own personal hell. I stopped saying shit like, “God has called another angel home” and in the same breath, I stopped acting like he had stolen them from me. They just died. And that is the one guarantee on this planet: we, too, will die. For awhile I thought that being a Christian meant believing that God had this predetermined time clock for us and everything we accomplish within that window is all He ever meant for us. That belief alone was what pushed me to the edge of my faith. I couldn’t stand Him when I thought of that. I was deeply bitter about the seventeen years He gave Sam. I let go of that, too. I learned to create a new image of the God I want to live for. I want to live for the God that Sam died believing in. The God that my grandmother hand-wrote prayers to in the margins of her Bible. The God that forgave my loved ones. The God that forgives me, too.

I have a separate journal specifically for Bible quotes, takeaways from church, and conversations with God. I haven’t written in it in over three months but my last entry was Romans 5:8 – I loved you at your darkest. I’m the first to admit that I don’t pray as often as I should but I’m quick to ask for prayers when things are hard. I’m guilty of living selfishly at times when I should be sharpening my faith. But God loved me when I’d curl up underneath my covers wishing I could just waste away instead of get out of bed. And when I attempted to heal my wounds with remedies that tasted like whiskey or felt like the arms of a man who didn’t know how to love me, God loved me enough then too.

For awhile I thought I was a bad Christian and that bad Christians don’t get to call themselves Christians at all. And that would send me down the rabbit hole of questioning whether or not I am cut out for religion altogether. But I do believe that my life, my heart, my mind and the way it has healed, all of me was created with intent by a power that has held me upright when gravity seems like it could fail me at any moment. I know that I felt the air around me pause when each of my loved ones passed away. I know that the calm that comes over me when I think about either side of existence is brought on by the same hands that put me on this planet. Whether God is a man, a woman, a constellation that weaves in and out of every galaxy, or the breeze that sends chills down your arms on the days you feel alone, God is love.

I’m not sure how many of you are people of faith, but in the scenario that you’ve read through this whole thing despite not taking part in religion, you’re worthy of love, too.

14 thoughts on “Hey God, you up? I need something”

  1. I think we all have followed a similar path in our own faith journeys. You are at a point that many people never realize. Understanding that our own faith is a life long journey. People who stop believing or blame God when bad things happen are quitting too early. Developing faith and accepting it, are deeply personal decisions and no-one can tell us what to believe. But to choose to believe in nothing is to rob yourself of one of the most powerful support systems any of us will ever have in our lives. I love you Amy!

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  2. Don’t worry about being the model christian that christian readers deserve. God reveals himself to us a little at a time. Sometimes it’s easier for people to understand god through people who are just as flawed as themselves.

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  3. Don’t worry about being the model christian that christian readers deserve. God reveals himself to us a little at a time. Sometimes it’s easier for people to understand god through people who are just as flawed as themselves.

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  4. This is a very thought provoking post. I don’t believe your a bad Christian. We all question faith. I myself had a personal journey not to long ago.

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  5. “And when I attempted to heal my wounds with remedies that tasted like whiskey or felt like the arms of a man who didn’t know how to love me, God loved me enough then too.” Thank you for this.

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  6. Hey Amy, my name is Adam I follow you on Instagram. I appreciate you writing this article. I wanted to talk about this as well. I am a 19 year old Christian I grew up Catholic went to church every sunday. I have learned so much on my own away from church that helped me grow stronger! 1 thing I learned is people need to stop believing in the illusion that “My God wouldn’t do that” it simply doesn’t matter there is no My God that is actually a sin you are creating a God in your head to fit your needs and ways of thinking. That’s just not true. God loves everyone but hates there sin. The wager for sin is death. That is why we die. We simply need to acknowledge what God did for us by sending his son to Die for us. It’s like if you steal something but someone pays your fine. You where wrong but the debt is paid the judge can legally let you go. Jesus paid our fine on the cross so if we sin God can still let us into heaven because of jesus. He can forgive Past, Present and future sins. We don’t even have to go to church the church is run by humans who are far from Good the definition of good is Morally excellent. All this stuff with Gay pride, Gay marriage, Abortion it’s all wrong but who ever says that people hate them for it but Jesus said they hated me and who ever follows me and stands up for what is truly right they will hate you also. Ince you are born again you are saved. All we must do is repent for our sins and trust in Jesus. God’s will has been happening and nobody realizes it. If you read the Paradigm by Jonathan Cahn you will see that our presidents are following ancient prophecies without realizing it. Before the 2016 election a man made a speech about Hillary. Said “She was Throwed down but she would not stay throwed.” Exactly the same speech from the bible. Way back there was an enemy who the king had many chances to stop but let him go as a result Israel was attacked. It was a result of isreal turning away from God so he lifed his protection and they got attacked. It’s a warning to turn back to God. Well 9/11 our president said the night before 9/11 he had 9 chances to stop Osama and let him go the next day we where attacked. Jonathan Cahn has a book called the Harbinger as well it’s about 9/11 and the bible’s 7 seals. We are close to the end times and Christian’s must stay strong and trust Jesus as it draws closer!

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    1. This comment means a lot because I can tell you put thought and feeling into it. But I want to make a point to say that being prideful in being gay, gay marriage, and abortion are not wrong in my eyes and my belief system with the relationship I have with my faith.

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