I’ve been chasing my connection with him for awhile and it was when I ran out of breath that I noticed I’ve been running alone. With every rise and fall of my chest I feel him slipping away and I know deep down that I’m putting myself through hell on purpose. More than anything, I know connections worth having don’t need to be chased down. Some people crave physical touch, acts of service, or words of affirmation but I know my love language is my twisted desire to make somebody love me. I could feel our souls intertwining and so could he but when my heart was in my hands as an offering, saying “don’t you want this?” I felt it deep within me as he pulled away, our souls untangling and God, it stung so good.
So then I peel back my mask. This is the part where I’d say I’m hopeful for the day a connection chases me down instead. That I’m me and that’s enough to be craved. But my heart is back in my chest and I remember that it’s still beating all on its own. My soul flutters within me by itself and it’s still beautiful without his laced around it. Each time I put back together the pieces of an offering that wasn’t fully received I find something new to love and keep all to myself. Soon I’ll run out of things I want to give away.